Today I tell the truth

No one even reads this thing so it makes no difference whether I tell the truth or not. I’ve always revealed some of what has gone on but not all of it, and it frustrates me. As an outside reader it would fustrate me even more. So if your ready…

I feel like shit. When I am around people its not too bad, I can take my mind off things completely because I’m really easily entertained and I love all of my friends so much. But when I’m on my own I am constantly thinking about everything that is wrong. Mainly with Adam I guess, then everything else seems to creep up behind it and make it 1000 times worse.

So Adam, things I have been wanting to get off my chest forever…Basically he cheats on me for two years (we were only together for 2 and a half) and I put up with it, I give him like 3 ‘last’ chances and then one day everything clicks into place and I’m like…what the FUCK am I doing?
I manage ok for 3 weeks; getting drunk every single night helped A LOT, I didnt have to think about a thing and the next day I was so busy working or trying to catch up with Uni work, or just being ridiculously hungover/still drunk to care about a thing. Then all my money ran out, and now I’m skint.
This happens just around the time that I see him and speak to him for the first time in nearly a month and it couldnt of happened at a worst time to be honest. I have to spend 5 sober nights lying in bed just wishing that he was with me, despite everything.
And I know it sounds pathetic, it makes me sick to read it. But no one, none of my friends, understand how much I love him. Ask me why and I won’t be able to tell you, because I have questioned it a thousand times. I will admit he treats me like shit, but the only people I have ever been in love with have been the ones that have repeatedly hurt me. Maybe I am secretly some crazy masochistic person.
Also no one knew what it was like when it was just me and him, I don’t even want to think about it coz it is just ridiculously upsetting. I still imagine every single day with him, growing up with him, and having a house with him, getting married. And the weird thing is, in all of these day dreams, there is always that feeling that I had for two years. Which is me, just blocking out everything he has done and is doing. I always think about how he will do it when he is older, it would probably get worse and he would probably have some other woman on the side by then. Of course it would upset me, but its like I have learnt to live with it. Like I could go on ignoring it all my life because I don’t want to ignore how much I love him instead.
It drives me insane, I know it sounds like the stupidest thing ever but I have done it for two years and its like I’m programmed into it.
But I don’t want to be a fucking doormat all my life, I don’t want to keep things bottled up inside and then have an outbreak every couple of months. I don’t want to have to pretend I’m happy Lauren every single day for the rest of my life. And I know I should just forget about it all, but I can’t.

Reading this back it sounds like a big mistake to publish it, because people will think I am an actual crazy person.
I just wish that he didnt treat me like shit. Its not hard to be commited to someone you say you love. I never once did what he did, not even to get back at him after the many different times I caught him. Because I love him.
I don’t understand how people can lie to the people they love. I just don’t understand it.

I kinda wish he could read this and see what a dick he is, what a twat he has turned me into. But then I think if he did, he would feel like he could just cheat on me more and more because I said I had learnt to live with it.
I wish he would give me answers to everything I ask him, like why he does it. Apparantely its because he is ‘stupid’, it pisses me off that he doesn’t even tell me the truth about it. For about a year I blamed myself, thought it was something I was doing wrong. That maybe I wasn’t good enough? Didn’t give him enough of my time? Eventually I realised it wasn’t.
I still don’t know why though. And its the worst thing ever.

I could go on forever but it kinda feels good to just put that out there.